What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
