i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize