I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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