I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize