Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
