why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
