we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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