Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
