Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
bring money and cleavage
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
