He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize