why didn't you poke me back
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize