Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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