Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
