i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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