**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
3 2 1 whiskey
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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