Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize