I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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