I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
