It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
