i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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