You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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