I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
