i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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