The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
