Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
