How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
