There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize