I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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