An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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