My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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