I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
