Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My vagina is very pro this idea
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
