i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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