If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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