I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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