I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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