Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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