I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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