New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
