So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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