Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
