Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
