girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
