it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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