good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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