I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
