I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
