Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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