well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
