guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
