we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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