I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
