The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
