is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
