We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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