My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My feet surprised me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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