You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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