Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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