Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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