Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there's paper in my vomit.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
