DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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